“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that i am both happy and sad and im still trying to figure out how that could be.”
The perks of being a wallflower; Stephen Chbosky (via paulineway)
I googled HHA but I can't find anything on it really, could you please explain it or link me to something? I hope I'm not bothering you by asking. Thank you, anon x
Um ok, I don’t really like talking about it but I guess propel should know. It’s a sub-form/ mild mixture of OCD, paranoia and excessive anxiety. It stands for ‘harm avoidance’ but I have the more intense and upscale version so I suffer from ‘high harm avoidance’ (I just call it HHA) which is on the verge of actual OCD, paranoia, bipolar and all that fun stuff.
It basically means that I over worry about little things that other people wouldn’t think twice about, like crossing the road, paying for something or figuring out what I’m going to say to people when I get given a lift hours in advance just in fear. It doesn’t sound bad but there’s a lot more to it and a lot more things it can lead to like depression and schizophrenia and other stuff but I don’t want to talk about any of that just yet.
I was diagnosed about a year and a half-ish ago and it’s been really hard as it’s not something I like talking about. People just don’t get it and don’t understand how little things can freak me out so much so I tend not to tell anyone as it’s just easier. And sometimes when I do tell people, because it’s not a well known personality disorder, people don’t usually think it’s real, if that makes sense, and tend to think I’m over exaggerating or making it up or whatever.
When I was first diagnosed it got really really bad because I worried about actually having it and having to go to school knowing i had this grey matter thing in my brain and, to be honest, I don’t really remember much of that time. I was on meds for a bit to chill me out and to stop the crazy but they were only for a short while as they were apparently addictive ones and if you’re on them for too long there’s a good risk you get addicted and then you’re led into a whole other heap of problems.
I guess you could say I’m better, I have a really great group of friends for the moment, and it usually cools off when I’m around them. But it’s when I’m at home that it gets really bad, which is why I mostly prefer to be at school.
So yeah, that’s the not-so fun story about my HHA, I can’t believe i’m actually putting this on here and I’m probably going to delete it later as having everyone know about this really personal part of me makes me really scared and freaked and just really really bad again which is the last thing I need. So yup, this is me. Welcome to my not so fun world.